Imagine this: You’re chatting with a coworker on Slack about an upcoming team project. The conversation has been casual and friendly—until you ask a simple question, and their tone suddenly shifts. Their next message reads:

“I’ll handle it.”

It’s short. Formal. Uncharacteristically abrupt. You stare at the message, rereading it several times, feeling the warmth of the previous exchange replaced by a chill in your chest. Your stomach tightens as you wonder, “Did I say something wrong? Did I overstep? Why are they upset with me?”

Your mind starts spinning. You scroll back through the chat history, searching for clues, finding none. The sensation spreads—a prickling at the back of your neck, a tightness in your throat. You’re distracted for the rest of the afternoon, caught in an endless loop of second-guessing. By the time you log off for the day, you’ve crafted an imaginary script for your next interaction: “If they’re upset, I’ll apologize… but why should I have to? They’re the one who changed the tone!”

Your emotions simmer. By now, you’re frustrated, hurt, and unsure how to approach them tomorrow. You’ve assumed the worst—a rift in the relationship, a personal slight—and it’s heavy on your heart.

The next morning, during a quick team chat, your coworker mentions offhandedly: “Thanks for taking care of that. I got pulled into a last-minute meeting and couldn’t get back to it.”

And just like that, the knot in your stomach loosens. It wasn’t about you.

The Stories We Tell from Our Assumptions

Assumptions are a natural function of the human brain. They’re mental shortcuts—our brain’s way of filling in gaps when we don’t have all the information. This ability can be helpful in many scenarios, like predicting outcomes based on past experiences or making quick decisions in uncertain situations.

But when it comes to relationships, these shortcuts can backfire. Instead of seeking clarity, we create stories in our minds based on incomplete information, like tone, timing, or even just a lack of response. These stories often lead to unnecessary misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and tension that may not have existed in the first place.

When we don’t have all the information, our brains fill in the blanks. It’s a way of making sense of uncertainty, but the stories our minds create aren’t always accurate. Often, they’re rooted in fear, insecurity, or past experiences, which can amplify misunderstandings and distort our perspective. Without realizing it, our assumptions can create barriers in our relationships, steering us away from curiosity and connection, and toward judgment and distance.

The Way Out Is Curiosity

Curiosity is the antidote to assumptions. When we pause to ask “Why?” or “What else might be true?” we shift our brains out of defensiveness and open the door to understanding. Instead of clinging to the stories we’ve created, we begin to explore. This exploration helps us replace judgment with compassion—for ourselves and for others.

Before reacting to an assumption, try these steps:

1. Pause and check your emotional response.
   Take a moment to acknowledge what you’re feeling. Are you upset, defensive, or hurt? Ask yourself, “Why am I reacting this way? Is there something deeper going on for me—perhaps past experiences or insecurities influencing my interpretation?”
2. Consider the other person’s perspective.
   Step into their shoes for a moment. Could they be dealing with something unrelated to you? Were they rushed, stressed, or preoccupied? Even if you don’t know the details, allowing yourself to imagine other possibilities introduces a sense of curiosity and compassion.
3. Decide whether to act or let it go.
   Not every assumption requires follow-up. Ask yourself: “Is this worth addressing, or can I let it go?” If it’s a minor interaction, like a Slack message, and your reflection leads you to realize it’s not personal, you might decide to release it entirely. Letting go can free you from unnecessary stress and allow you to move forward with ease.
4. Ask thoughtful questions if needed.
   When the situation does feel significant or unresolved, approach the other person with curiosity, not judgment. Instead of making declarations, ask questions. For example, “I noticed your response was different than usual—was something going on?” This opens the conversation without assigning blame or projecting assumptions.
5. Be open to hearing the real story.
   Sometimes the truth may challenge your initial assumption, but that’s okay. The goal is understanding, not being right. By listening with an open mind, you foster connection and build trust.

These steps build on each other, creating a framework for moving beyond assumptions and into meaningful connection.

Choose Curiosity, Build Connection

Assumptions are a natural part of how our brains process the world. They help us make sense of uncertainty, but they aren’t always accurate. When left unchecked, assumptions can create unnecessary tension, misunderstandings, and even distance in our relationships.

The good news is that we have a choice. Instead of holding onto judgment, we can choose curiosity. By pausing to explore our emotional reactions, considering other perspectives, and validating our assumptions, we open the door to deeper understanding and stronger connections.

What might shift in your relationships if you chose curiosity over judgment today?

Your Challenge: From Division to Connection

This week, notice one assumption you’ve made—whether it’s about a coworker, a friend, or even a stranger. Pause. Get curious. See what happens when you let go of judgment and seek understanding instead. You might be surprised by what you learn—not just about others, but about yourself.